I never thought I’d be one of those brave, bold, don’t give a fuck people to use the word Fuck in my writing, especially my title. Not because it isn’t the perfect choice of a word when I feel strongly about something and not because I find the word offensive. Sometimes, Fuck seems to be the only suitable word in getting my point across. Sometimes, it is the only way to get one’s attention. Sometimes, it’s the only word powerful enough to express the intensity of a thought or feeling in a particular moment.
So today, as I am consciously reaching a point which I will cease walking beyond, right here and right now, I am looking you straight in the eye, dear Fear, you fucking fuck. You will not rule my life. You will not control my actions. You can sit in my sidecar as the nuisance you are and I will let you serve as a reminder of what to do and what to absolutely walk through, in spite of you.
I’ve never used profanity in my writing. It’s been one of those fine lines I’ve walked on and questioned about myself, my fear and my expression. I never wanted to capture your attention by shocking you. I’m not attempting to do that now. It’s just a word, yet in my struggle, I’ve explored and want to finally face what I’m so afraid of.
I so often say I don’t care what people think. I believe that to be true in so many areas of my life but when it comes to articulating my feelings publicly, I catch myself holding back. I catch myself feeling hindered under a pretense that you believe you know who I am. You’ve become comfortable with your expectations of me. If I waver from that, you may think differently. You may make an assessment about my character as you pass judgment against me.
Then again, you may say, “Finally, she’s speaking her fucking mind and her truth, without inhibition.” This is the chance I will take. This is where I will grow and learn and take action. I don’t want to just write about my fear and hide behind it. I want to be alive, completely, in touch with all of my senses, as I persevere through and beyond it.
The fear surrounding the events which have led me here is dimming because I have taken away the power it held over them. Over me. I felt you. I acknowledged your presence. I made a decision. I took flight. I faced the clouds. I stared you in the face. I soared beyond the constraints you unequivocally forced upon me and I will continue to do so. I will wholeheartedly embrace you and let you serve as the impetus you continue to present yourself as.
Thank you for transmitting such darkness whereby I was forced to seek the light. Thank you for your attempt to propagate weakness which has led me to my strength. Thank you for your presence in my life. I know you aren’t going anywhere. I know you will continue to do the work you were put here to do. Along with that, I believe you will also do your best to protect me, along with my intuition, from harm.
Please though, understand, I know who you are. The main antagonist of my story. The shadow of my reflection. The intimidator to my courage. My constant companion.
I will not be angry. I would rather choose to let your existence empower me. That said, in this moment, as I’m about to once again, walk through the rumbling in my stomach and the rapid beating of my heart, I must say…
Respectfully and with Love, Fear, Fuck You.