Every photograph. Each syllable. All Content. Captured and Expressed with Love, from my Heart. My life force, my energy, translates through time in my captured moments and through my words. My heart is full of language and I express in order to feel, to challenge, to offer something, to learn, and to connect. As I own my voice, I own my Truth.SGF
This Site is Dedicated to My Boys;
The Loves and Lights of My Life.
From Sandy, With Love ♥️
Welcome to A Portrait of My Life. It has taken me a hundred lifetimes and almost 50 years to get to this page which I am finally ready to share with you. This expression of my heart and my soul is a work in progress and the deepest labor of Love. I am rising, from the depths of my shadows, in an attempt to present this portrait of life, through my eyes, to my children.
This site is meant to read like a daily walk, through your favorite city, with an old friend. There are many winding roads and secret passageways. Each click will take you down another cobblestone path of this life I’ve lived and will thoughtfully represent my visions and my spirit during this precious existence. I love breaking things down and apart. I enjoy analyzing components in order to get to the root of meaning, purpose, intention; feeling. I do it through my communication, by the choices I make in raising my children, through my unwavering love, and in my approach to each challenge or struggle I face. I have acute awareness, I acknowledge, disassemble, evaluate, consider, trust, find the way through, and then, I continue on.
I have captured hundreds of thousands of moments. I have written tens of thousands of words. I have observed. I have struggled. I have overcome. I am spirited, principled, and passionate. I am a Survivor and a fighter, with more gratitude in my heart than I can possibly express. I am thankful for the many challenges and setbacks which have brought me right here; to this place; on this page; at this exact moment.
I am thankful for the pain. The suffering. The trauma. Illness. All of these forces inspired me to go deeper and higher. All of them led me to this space, where I am firmly standing right now; on my own; exposing my heart, my soul, and my spirit.
All that I have witnessed and experienced, I may present here, without any fear or hesitation. The impediment to action advances action and what has stood in the way for me is now becoming the way.
I welcome you to enjoy this journey with me, as I gather all of the contents of this existence, and present it openly, intimately, and lovingly, through my eyes.
My best friend committed suicide. For many years, he was the one who helped me build the platforms for my writing and expression. He was the one who mechanically executed my creative visions. He was the one I often ran my thoughts by before publishing. He knew my fears. My weaknesses. My strengths. He understood me. He believed in me.
When he left this earth, I felt lost. This dear person to me would no longer exist, in the way I became used to. Our conversations would become one-sided. This person I counted on and valued so deeply was gone. Shortly after his departure, all of my writing and published works, all that we had created, and the websites we built, were hacked into and disappeared, just as he did. Whilst dealing with the unspeakable grief and loss, I also had to trust that this work I had put my heart into, for all of those years, would somehow be recovered and returned to me. I often contemplated the connection between his death and the death of my words upon his passing. I sat, waiting for answers. Looking for logic. Always asking, why?
Each day, as I observed, examined, and considered, more was brought to light. I realized what I had to do.
The answers come when I listen. The answers are revealed when I align. Reconcile. Trust.
I was meant to Search. Dig. Feel. Break Down.
Let Go and Rise up.
This is what I am doing.
God’s precious blessings have led me to find pieces of mine, scattered throughout the internet. External drives which were not functioning, are suddenly coming back to life. I am no longer writing under my pen name, or ghostwriting for others, behind the scenes, in order to be safe and protected from my true expression, as myself. I am reclaiming my words, rising from the pain, and presenting it all here, under my own name, in honor of him.
I always believed I needed others to accomplish the execution of my creative expression. Artistically speaking, I sat back and stood still as I awaited the right moment. The right graphic designer, the right web developer, the right editor, the right publisher, the right publication, the right name, the right time.
I didn’t believe it was possible, to express to another, the visions I saw so clearly. These images and thoughts have circulated around my head, my mind, and my heart for so long, and they have been desperate to land on a page, I didn’t believe I was capable of creating. These thoughts and ideas and this expression need to live and breathe and exist, outside of myself, once again.
What I have come to realize, in the face of life, illness, death, loss, and grief, is that I am truly capable, on my own.
May this serve as a reminder to any of you who carry doubts about what you are capable of. I never believed I could do this on my own. When he left, I believed that these parts of myself died, alongside him. We are capable. We can start again. We can find light in the darkness. It takes time. It takes years, but; Anything is possible if you believe and trust. One minute at a time.
I am building this site, teaching myself along the way, step by little step at a time. My thoughts translate to implementation and there isn’t anything or anyone in my way, stopping me now.
One word leads to one sentence.
One sentence leads to one paragraph.
One paragraph leads to one page.
One page leads to one chapter.
One chapter to the next.
at a time.
How precious and fragile this life truly is.
I thank you, my boys, for giving me my Truest Purpose; my most important role.
For loving me and embracing my love.
For showing me who I am.
I am living, loving, experiencing, cherishing, capturing, and expressing…
With the deepest love and gratitude,
This is me.
Our life is what our thoughts make it.