My Unexpected Vow of Silence

Time to tune in to my Inner Voice

Sometimes, our bodies have a way of telling us, what our minds are too afraid to hear. We may not pay attention to the warning signs. We may experience them with each of our senses, yet, we shove them off to the side, justifying their existence, somehow. “Maybe I’m just tired. Perhaps I’m run down. Oh, I just got my period. It must be the Lupus.”

The rationalizations continue and the physical manifestations persevere. Until one day, the message is so loud and clear. We have no choice but to open our eyes and face, head on, what we’ve been consciously neglecting; those deeply instinctive feelings, the unquestionable and undeniable alerts, the literal blurriness in our vision.

I’ve been without an audible voice for a few months now, on and off. Mostly off. I quickly attributed the hoarseness to whatever made sense and would allow me to continue on with my life. As I knew it. I pushed through and pushed forward as I’ve always done. I wasn’t ignoring it but I wasn’t quite addressing it either.

I’m full of curiosity in this life and I’m constantly Searching. Yearning. Questioning. So much. Sometimes I get stuck in the thought process and the noises in my head leave me ambivalent, unsettled and unclear. A force, greater than my own, has decided to step in and impose silence upon me. I now have to acknowledge and address the clamor differently, without the use of my voice. It is time to truly listen.

In the midst of much medical testing, I had a camera put down my nose and my throat in order to see my vocal cords. Based on their findings, I was told that I could not utter a word, not even a whisper, for thirty days.

I am sitting here now. Still and quiet. Taking in the meaning and message behind this obvious sign of impending change. My voice is on hiatus. The voice I’m often trying to find. The voice I’m sometimes unsure of. The voice which had to be taken away in order to give me the space to recalibrate and restore the harmony within.

Some live under the basis that actions speak louder than words. Some believe that words are meaningless, if not accompanied by the reflective action. In my case, my words, especially my written words, have always been my truest form of expression. They communicate what I’m sometimes unable to say in action. They speak the depth I may not share with you otherwise. Within my words, you will find my Heart. My soul. My truth.

In silence, with only my thoughts and a place to write them down, I find peace and I can truly tune into my Self. My innermost feelings, fears, hopes, dreams and consciousness, manifest lives of their own.

Life has an interesting way of leading us to a moment, taking away our power and then giving us choices. We can give up and give in and remain helpless or we can surrender what we thought we knew and open our hearts and eyes to other possibilities and new perspectives.

Take away my voice and I’m left here Listening. Hearing. Paying much closer attention. I’ve always been an observer. I hear and see all that is not meant to be seen or heard. I read between the lines and I connect with and relate to more than is shown or given. It is there where I make sense of what sometimes doesn’t make sense at all.

I’m on Day 5. Everything happens for a reason. This I always believe. It sure is interesting hearing what we otherwise replace with noise, distractions and our own constant commentary and interpretation of the meaning behind it all. Maybe I don’t have to always know the meaning and maybe it doesn’t always have to make sense. I’m just hoping to gain a little more clarity and a little more understanding.

With that, I plan on continuing my pursuit toward the direction of my purpose and my happiness. I used to jump before I calculated risk. Now, I tend to calculate risk, before I jump. I’m working my way back toward the middle because it is time to fly again.

♥️ Sandy