The Only Question is, When?
There was a time when I couldn’t wait to leap from a clifftop, a crane or a building and soar through the air as if I had wings. I consciously sought opportunities to fly. To let go. To be in the moment without hesitation and without fear.
Sometimes I spread my arms and allowed myself to fall backwards. Other times I jumped in the air as if I was a little girl cannonballing from a high dive. I ran toward it. I faced it head-on or I let it embrace me as I fell into the safety net, which wasn’t actually there but in my mind, was good enough. I didn’t contemplate, what if. I didn’t talk myself out of it. I didn’t consider myself a fool. I was living. I was totally and completely free. In a way that I could only be when I truly allowed myself to trust and let go.
I never needed a push. I never needed encouragement. I don’t recall needing anything. Stepping out and walking into the unknown is my favorite place to be. When I’m true to myself.
Today, I feel as if the platform is once again calling for my courage. Today, I am asking the questions I didn’t ask before. Will I eagerly and fearlessly run to the top and disregard the cautious noises in my head. When I step forth to the edge, will I ask you to push me. Will I need you to assure me it’s all going to be okay. Will I look you in the eye and tell you I’m too scared. This time. Will I look off into the distance and allow the force of LIFE to pull me toward the light or will I give in to the opposing force and the comforts of imaginary safety. Will I trust again. Will I let go.
Here I stand…Ready.
Any time fear steps in, I first try to accept and embrace it and then the true conflict begins. It sometimes gets the best of me but I never allow it to for very long. A shift eventually occurs in my brain which either gently guides me through it or boldly knocks the sense and strength into me. Either way, that shift is what I count on.
Before I gave birth, I wasn’t afraid of anything. Well, the boogie man sure did scare me but that’s another story. Okay, wait. I just caught myself saying something that isn’t true at all. Of course I was afraid. I just handled it all very differently.
When I gave birth to my boys, I realized my life was no longer just my own. The magnitude and depth of love I felt the very second I saw their little eyes, changed everything. The thought of missing a moment or a life of experiencing that kind of love and being a mother to them, instilled the kind of fear I speak of now.
It may be different and it may even be justifiable and understandable but I will never let it take me down. I may have more things to consider, I may have more to lose. One day, my fears may materialize. Today, however, I realize that I must get myself back up to the ledge. I must stand there. Whatever it takes to fly through the air in freedom. I’m ready. I’ll pull the cord, I’ll fall backwards, I’ll run and jump with my eyes wide open. This is my only choice. The thrust of wind against my face, the spine-tingling gift of wings, and the absence of the theoretical safety net to catch me.
It’s time again, to jump into the Unknown.
I’m so excited about the possibilities.